annoying nigerian movie: A RIDE FOR LOVE

First Thoughts

This was my face throughout the duration of this film:

The Cast and Crew

Maurice Sam as Martins
Sarian Martin Oruene as Clara
Tochi Obika as Driver
Emeka Darlington as Clement


Written by Amachris
Produced by Oluchi Afundu
Directed by Mamuzo Sam Oyas

Full Story

Martins is a C–U–Next-Tuesday. Yes, I said it. He is a certified asshole.

The movie starts with his driver calling to inform him that he has diarrhoea. Martins insults the living daylights out of him calling him an idiot, a fool, a low life and incompetent. He even fires the driver.

How is someone having diarrhoea a sign of incompetence? How?!

Martins calls his friend, Clement, to drive him but Clement’s got better things to do and Martins insults that one too, saying that Clement never comes through when he needs him (Clement). He also calls Clement a disappointment. 

So he calls a rideshare company or chauffeur service company – honestly, I have no idea. He requests a driver and they send, Clara, a female driver. 

Once Martins sees her, calls her a nanny and calls the company to demand for a male driver. When they say they don’t have any other driver as all their drivers are booked and busy, Martins insults them and cuts the call.

Martins enters the car and Clara chauffeurs him. When she drives at normal speed, he complains that she is too slow and when she drives fast, he nags that she is too fast and wants to kill him. 
He runs his dirty mouth so much that Clara stops the vehicle and gives him the keys to drive. The motherfucker can’t drive but if na to run mouth, he will run it like tap.

While Clara is outside the car, waiting for him to drive or at least apologise to her, Martins transforms into a Karen. He calls her manager and threatens to defame them on social media if they don’t fire her. He threatens to sue them, boasting that they should ask about him – he is a life ruiner. 

Martins ends the call and sits down quietly. Clara noticing that he is quiet, enters the car and takes him to his destination. At this time, she is unaware that this twat has cost her job. 

So on their way back to his house, it is late and Martins demands that they follow a particular route. Clara tries to explain she can sense that the road isn’t safe but Martins the douchebag insults her. He insults her and insists they follow that road and what do you know? 

Some thugs accost them but Clara is about to manoeuver and drive past them – saving the day. 

When they get to his house, Martins the bellend ignores Clara and goes inside. Clara who was trying to give him his car keys, shrugs and keeps them on the roof of his vehicle. She also leaves for her home. At home, we find out that she has a 10-year-old daughter, Lisa. 

Clement visits Martins and asks about his day. Martins the knobhead, gloats to Clement saying:

“I know you’ll like to see me dead but newsflash I’m alive. I’m very much alive and I’ll be alive for a very long time.”

What in the actual fuck is wrong with this guy?

The next day, Clara is preparing herself for work and Lisa for school when she gets a call from her manager. He informs her that she has been fired because of Martins. Clara is irate and goes to Martins’s house to lay curses on him. Martins doesn’t care and just sits down looking smug. 

He updates Clement on the situation and Clement admonishes him. Clement asks him to find a way to get Clara reemployed but Martins the jackass doesn’t really care like that. 

Well, that is until he has recurring nightmares of criminals shooting him to death and Clara just watching as they murder him. That is when Martins the bozo decides to correct his mistake.

First, he calls Clara’s former manager to give her back her job but the manager can’t because they have already replaced her. Martins the prick insults the manager for sacking his employee just because another person threatened him. Then he asks the manager for Clara’s phone number and address at the behest of Clement.

He tries calling her but the call doesn’t go through (we find out later that her phone is bad). Just because he couldn’t reach her, Martins the dickhead insults her, calling her line useless.

Clement then advises him to visit her. Martins does and on his way to her place – being driven by the same driver he fired at the start of the movie – Martins the hijo de puta, insults the people living in abject poverty. He wonders why they would choose to live in a horrible area. 

When he gets to Clara’s house, he asks his driver to go call her but she sends the driver back to him, demanding that Martins come to see her himself. Martins the asswipe refuses and calls his driver a fool. Then he demands that they leave at once. However, after getting a call from Clement, he returns to Clara’s house immediately.

When he enters, he asks if that is where she lives and she insults him. Then Martins the little shit, gags and runs out. He immediately returns to his house. 

Clement comes visiting and Martins recounts his experience. Clement then drags him stating, 

“You pay your staff peanuts and wonder why they live in poverty. You are to blame for it.”

Martins for the first time in a while is shocked. So he returns to Clara’s home this time she is not around but he finds Lisa unconscious. He rushes her to the hospital and Clara is able to track down the place.

While they are at the hospital, Martins the pissant calls Clara incompetent, a horrible mother and a woman who opens her legs for every and anyone. He also claims that the reason why Lisa hadn’t eaten for days was not because Clara was jobless. It was because Clara was making excuses. 

At this point in the movie, I was ready to 

Martins. 

He was such a repugnant being and I was angry that the story was going to end with Clara falling in love with him.

Martins however takes a liking to Lisa and offers that she come live with him. Clara refuses at first but when Lisa begs that they do, Clara does. 

While living with Martins, Clara gives him a daily dose of insults and he acts condescendingly towards her. However, after learning that Clara found Lisa roaming the streets and adopted her, Martins the Fool begins to rethink his life and actions. 

He explains to Clara why he is a douchebag – he says he was an orphan and wasn’t born with a silver spoon. However, he was raised with a silver spoon since his father adopted both him and his brother (adopted brother) when they were kids. When they grew up, his brother poisoned their dad and inherited everything. 

Thanks to CCTV, they were able to catch his brother and put him behind bars. Martins says that after that incident, he chose to be an asshole.

See ehn, fuck this explanation. That whole “I wasn’t born with a silver spoon” is a stupid line. He is still a rich kid. His father – adoptive father – was a rich man who raised Martins in wealth and luxury. After his brother was sent to prison, Martins inherited his father’s wealth.

He is just your typical privileged person who is out of touch with the world. Also, his father being poisoned is not enough reason for him to be rude.

So

After the confession, he secures a good job for Clara of which she is grateful. He also becomes nicer to his driver. However, Martins, the knobhead never apologises to his driver for all the emotional and verbal abuse he put his driver through. 

He does apologise to Clara though, when he professes his love to her.

Rating out of 10

I give it 🎛️🎛️🎛️🎛️

I know YouTube Nollywood movies enjoy creating stories about finding love in the most unexpected places. However, this kind of love, is where I draw the line. Martins was a horrible person who should have died alone and served as a cautionary tale to assholes like him. He shouldn’t have been propped up as some tortured soul who needed the corrective magic of a woman’s love. Nah ah. Fuck that shit.